Updated: Jul 30, 2018
Does this post really need an intro?? It’s obvious that men and women live in different worlds when it comes to …pretty much everything! What’s amazing is that there are courageous men and women who are choosing every day to put those differences aside to come together and offer each other the most important gift that God ever created: love!
We’ve been hurt, we’ve been abused, we’ve been disappointed and yet, nothing can make us give up on love. But during all of the painful things that we may have experienced, there are some conclusions that we have drawn along the way. Some of them aren’t healthy and may negatively affect our current and/or future relationships. Here I will discuss 3 of the many misconceptions that some of us women have about men.
1. Men choose women based on attraction.
Physical attraction may be what catches their attention, but there are (usually) 2 overarching factors that keep their attention: sex and substance. The difference is that sex will only hold their attention until they get it or realize that they aren’t getting it. (Ha!) But substance is what makes them think about how you could fit into their future.
Substance forces them to see who you are and all that they would be missing out on without you. Substance provides the mature version of its “sex” counterpart: desire, respect, adoration. These factors are the difference between being a Booty Buddy and a wife.
So when it comes to dating and interacting with men, think about what you’re selling and how long you want to stay. By all means, look attractive. PLEASE don’t walk around looking rough just to “test” the intentions of men. But when it comes down to it, most men have clear ideas about the woman they want to marry and could care less if their lady wears heels and makeup if they love who they are.
2. They aren’t taking charge in relationships because they don’t know how, or they are afraid.
Most men have no shortage of “take charge” in their systems. The hard truth is that they may just not want to take charge with you, especially if you aren’t requiring them to.
SIDE NOTE: the term “require” here does not mean to make demands and manipulate them into becoming your idea of Mr. Right. When I say “require” I mean to have clear boundaries and standards:
What is acceptable? What isn’t acceptable? What do you expect from him and your potential relationship?
It’s our responsibility as women to set the standard in our relationships from the beginning and stick with it. It’s important to demonstrate that your no means no and your yes means yes. If a man senses wiggle room, he will probably take it.
If a man tells you that he isn’t moving forward in the relationship because he’s “never dated a woman like you before” or he’s “been hurt before” please know that these are excuses. He may like you, he may even love you, he may even really be scared, but if a man sees a woman as marriage material, he will be willing to risk it all for her! A man that is serious about a relationship will make known his intentions very early. Knowing your value will cause him to want to “put his bid in” (respectfully) before another man catches your eye or your heart!
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: Give him some value to want to bid on. Being beautiful, having money, and a big booty is not enough. What is your purpose in life and are you pursuing it? What are you passionate about? Do you have long- and short-term goals? How do you plan to achieve them? Come on ladies! Don’t just wait to be found, be something worth finding!
Think about it: Men do things they are afraid to do every day! They jump out of airplanes and off of high rise buildings, they quit their jobs and start businesses, they get a rush from gambling and betting it all on the ever-changing stock market. Biologically, men are made to take risks! That’s why they die younger and at higher rates than women. If he isn’t willing to risk his fears and work to make up for what he believes he lacks to bet it all on you, then it could possibly be 1 of 2 overarching reasons:
Either he is not serious about or ready to date and find a wife or he is not serious about dating you or making you his wife.
And that’s ok! You don’t want someone that isn’t serious about you for any reason, and it helps to be able to figure that out early. You don’t want to keep being dragged along by excuses and waiting for him to “be ready.” You never know, while you’re waiting around for him you may be missing the man that you are really supposed to be with!
3. They aren’t good communicators.
Men are actually very good communicators, they just communicate differently than women. They are to-the-point and concise. Tell them what they need to know; the less details and “extras,” the better.
We, women, are ALL about the extras and the details! Let’s just be clear: women talk a lot. But we have to understand that saying a lot of words does not mean that you are communicating effectively. We have a tendency to “take the long way home” when men usually are able to find a “shortcut” and make a beeline for the destination.
When talking to a man, less is more. Get to the point! Give him an opportunity to ask questions and then add the extra details. That will cause him to be interested and engaged in what you’re saying. Sometimes we are so focused on trying to get the story out, but allowing him to ask for details turns you telling a story into you and your man having a conversation. Whoa... revolutionary isn’t it??
We also have to understand the difference in communicating emotions between men and women. Research shows that it takes a woman seconds to recognize a feeling that she is experiencing. Conversely, it may take a man a matter of days to identify the same emotion and gauge an understanding of it. Depending on the individuality of a particular man, it may not be effectively to discuss certain matters immediately as they happen. Offer him time to identify and understand his feelings so that the conversation is effective. If not, it could cause frustration and introduce even more emotions to the situation, usually anger, sadness, and mistrust.
Because of this common misunderstanding between men and women, men are extremely apprehensive to discuss their feelings, if they even discuss them at all. That’s why it is so important for women to provide an environment for them to speak openly and honestly, free of condemnation for how they feel. The main objective for communication is and should always be understanding. Don’t abuse it by using it to prove that you are right or for manipulation tactics.
Many of the misconceptions we have about men are under the surface of our consciousness, but they show themselves in the way that we interact with the men in our lives. It is so worth it to think about the thoughts you have towards men and how that can be affecting your relationships with them. And yes he may have things that he needs to work on when it comes to women as well, but the best place to start is always ourselves.