Updated: Jan 10, 2020
Let me first announce that I am currently single and dateless.
Now before you hit the back button outta here, know this: I am not single because of what I don’t know and what I can’t offer. I am single because of what I do know and being fully aware of what I am able to offer.
I can credit gaining this knowledge to the completely HANIS mistakes I’ve made while dating, and by a lot of the chitchats I have with other women, it seems that a lot of the same mistakes I made are all too common. So let’s jump into 3 of the mistakes that a lot of modern Queens are making when it comes to dating.
Mistake #1: Leaving God out of it.
Before I say anything on this subject, let me just tell you where dating without God got me. I’m about to be brutally honest about some things and I only hope that it helps a fellow Queenling relate (God help me). After I air my filthy dirty laundry, I probably won’t have to say too much more on this subject to convince you to stop making this mistake for yourself. Well here it goes… *deep sigh*
Dating without God led me:
To quit my job and move clear across the country for a guy, only for him to break up with me a month after I got there.
To place my entire identity in one of my relationships and when it ended I developed severe depression because I no longer knew who I was or who I would become without it.
To spend 3 years dating and living with a man that had, essentially, no relationship with God, and consequently no serious direction or purpose for his life and no ambition to follow through on what little plans he did have. This eventually caused me to neglect my own relationship with God and develop negative attitudes towards the church.
To engage in sex before marriage and sometimes even outside of an official, exclusive relationship (let’s just go ahead and be allll the way real) on the “justification” that it was permissible because “sex is a spiritual experience created by God” and if my intention was to marry the guy it was not wrong… Blah Blah BLAH!
Judge me if you want, honey. I’m delivered and forgiven now (Hallelu!). But these things were only the tippy top of the iceberg. Before you think, “Well I would never do something like that,” just know that I said the same thing. Then I met “What’s His Name” and “Who’s His Face” and all of that went out the window.
When you’re dating outside the will of God, you set yourself up to be consumed and controlled by bad decisions that are completely contrary to your actual character and values. For a long time, I just became comfortable with my awful dating behaviors, believing that I was just a bad person that liked to do horrible things when really I just simply didn’t have the hedge of God’s protection and discernment covering me to lead and guide me in a better way.
Since then, I’ve been very intentional to include God’s will into my dating process (or “not dating” process ha!) and in doing so I’ve been able to:
Establish and discover my identity in Him so that no matter what (single, dating, in a relationship, engaged, married) who I am and how I feel about myself does not and will not change.
Date “sober”. This means that I am able to both keep an open mind and guard my heart, while using discernment and wisdom in the process of getting to know a potential friend, boyfriend, or husband, knowing the difference between the three and how each relationship should be conducted.
(The literal definition of dating sober helps a lot with this as well, ha! But for real…)
Realize the importance of preparing for marriage even before I meet a potential husband. This may seem dramatically proactive to some of you, but the truth is that being a good wife is a direct result of the decisions you make in your singleness.
Yeah… Put the top on that and let it simmer for a bit.
Our generation glamorizes the YOLO/ Wild and Free life, but what we fail to realize is that the consequences of the mistakes we think are fun and make for a “good story” will have a significant effect on our future marriages and even in the parenting of our future/ existing children.
Mistake #2: Making the first moves in the dating process.