Updated: Jan 10
Let me first announce that I am currently single and dateless.
Now before you hit the back button outta here, know this: I am not single because of what I don’t know and what I can’t offer. I am single because of what I do know and being fully aware of what I am able to offer.
I can credit gaining this knowledge to the completely HANIS mistakes I’ve made while dating, and by a lot of the chitchats I have with other women, it seems that a lot of the same mistakes I made are all too common. So let’s jump into 3 of the mistakes that a lot of modern Queens are making when it comes to dating.
Mistake #1: Leaving God out of it.
Before I say anything on this subject, let me just tell you where dating without God got me. I’m about to be brutally honest about some things and I only hope that it helps a fellow Queenling relate (God help me). After I air my filthy dirty laundry, I probably won’t have to say too much more on this subject to convince you to stop making this mistake for yourself. Well here it goes… *deep sigh*
Dating without God led me:
To quit my job and move clear across the country for a guy, only for him to break up with me a month after I got there.
To place my entire identity in one of my relationships and when it ended I developed severe depression because I no longer knew who I was or who I would become without it.
To spend 3 years dating and living with a man that had, essentially, no relationship with God, and consequently no serious direction or purpose for his life and no ambition to follow through on what little plans he did have. This eventually caused me to neglect my own relationship with God and develop negative attitudes towards the church.
To engage in sex before marriage and sometimes even outside of an official, exclusive relationship (let’s just go ahead and be allll the way real) on the “justification” that it was permissible because “sex is a spiritual experience created by God” and if my intention was to marry the guy it was not wrong… Blah Blah BLAH!
Judge me if you want, honey. I’m delivered and forgiven now (Hallelu!). But these things were only the tippy top of the iceberg. Before you think, “Well I would never do something like that,” just know that I said the same thing. Then I met “What’s His Name” and “Who’s His Face” and all of that went out the window.
When you’re dating outside the will of God, you set yourself up to be consumed and controlled by bad decisions that are completely contrary to your actual character and values. For a long time, I just became comfortable with my awful dating behaviors, believing that I was just a bad person that liked to do horrible things when really I just simply didn’t have the hedge of God’s protection and discernment covering me to lead and guide me in a better way.
Since then, I’ve been very intentional to include God’s will into my dating process (or “not dating” process ha!) and in doing so I’ve been able to:
Establish and discover my identity in Him so that no matter what (single, dating, in a relationship, engaged, married) who I am and how I feel about myself does not and will not change.
Date “sober”. This means that I am able to both keep an open mind and guard my heart, while using discernment and wisdom in the process of getting to know a potential friend, boyfriend, or husband, knowing the difference between the three and how each relationship should be conducted.
(The literal definition of dating sober helps a lot with this as well, ha! But for real…)
Realize the importance of preparing for marriage even before I meet a potential husband. This may seem dramatically proactive to some of you, but the truth is that being a good wife is a direct result of the decisions you make in your singleness.
Yeah… Put the top on that and let it simmer for a bit.
Our generation glamorizes the YOLO/ Wild and Free life, but what we fail to realize is that the consequences of the mistakes we think are fun and make for a “good story” will have a significant effect on our future marriages and even in the parenting of our future/ existing children.
Mistake #2: Making the first moves in the dating process.
God designed women to receive love from men. After God created Adam, He saw that it was not good for him to be alone and that Adam needed someone like himself to shower love upon. Hence, Eve was created! (Genesis 2:18. This is also discussed thoroughly in Myles Munroe’s book, Purpose and Power of Women. A MUST– read for all Queenlings!!)
When you’re making the first moves, you are stepping outside of your purpose to receive as a woman and into the domain that God intended the man to be responsible for. Doing this presents a problem for us ladies:
It is highly likely that how a relationship begins is how it’s going to continue. It’s unrealistic to think that you can take charge and make the first move and then expect your man to take charge on everything else from there on out. So if you’re a “take charge dater” don’t be surprised if you also have to take charge and take that trash out, or take charge and be the breadwinner, or take charge and plan all of your dates and romantic evenings.
I refuse to believe that this is the relationship you Queens want to have! I’ve done it… (more than once)… Please trust me…It’s not what you want!
Now, before you start thinking about a friend of a friend who made the first move and is now happily married… let me say that anything is possible. BUT, let me tell you something else that a lot of women don’t want to admit to themselves or each other: Those stories are fake and you know it. HAHA! Just kidding (just serious). But those instances are the exception, not the rule. So don’t count on it happening to you.
Mistake #3: Waiting to be in a relationship and/or married to begin being completely happy with your life.
Relationships and marriage are the best things we are able to experience in life! But the aggravating truth is that a relationship is going to come about in your life when you don’t need it to be happy and when you least expect it. Many women think that when/if they get in a relationship/married then their dreams will come true.
Here’s the problem with this assumption:
We put the responsibility for our happiness on a condition of life that’s not 100% guaranteed.
If marriage does happen for us, then that responsibility for our happiness shifts to our husbands, who are human (I hope), imperfect, and maybe even looking for happiness as well. So now the both of us are looking to be fulfilled by the other, but we can’t provide what we don’t have. HotMess.com!
Who wants to wait to be completely happy!? I want it NOW!!
Our generation is so backwards. We’ll wait for a life essential like happiness, but we rush into making monumental decisions that are completely optional. That shouldn’t be funny to me, but I literally laughed out loud just now.
If you aren’t happy now, then nothing can change that but you and God, especially not a boyfriend or a husband. Marriage is a magnifying glass. It doesn’t outweigh, correct, or magically vaporize our issues, it exposes them. So for all the reasons you aren’t happy in your singleness, then chances are those same reasons will make you miserable as a wife.
Now that I (FINALLY) know who I am and what visions and plans God has for my future, I’m completely happy using my freedom as a single young woman to work towards accomplishing them all! And I’ll still be perfectly happy even if I never get married, or if it happens at a later age in my life: God’s ways and timing are perfect. I’ve hired Him as my Matchmaker and I trust Him to work on my behalf. In the meantime, I’ll be working on these Queenly ambitions!
How many Queenlings are brave enough to share a dating mistake she’s made?? Come on, don’t leave me hanging!! What did you learn from it?