I can’t lie… Love Day had me in my feelings last week. There! I said it…
But the funny thing is, I wasn’t even expecting it! I actually kept forgetting about it to be honest. But all of a sudden, it was staring me in the face and I began to feel a gaping hole form inside of me. I felt incomplete, left out, forgotten… lonely. I LOVE love, I always have. So I didn’t feel envious or resentful of the couples displaying their love on this day. I simply wondered… “Where’s mine?”
As expected, my bestie, mentor, and Life Teacher (you should know who this is by now…) has been super present for this whole thing (I called and He came, like always!) and He’s been using this as a way to provide me with more wisdom about singleness and relationships. I want to spread this wealth of wisdom because… that’s the whole reason for this blog *blink blink*
Let’s talk about ways to battle loneliness while single.
Think about the alternative
Loneliness is always easier than settling. Just take a second to think about it…it’s not that bad compared to other things you could be dealing with by being in the wrong relationship. Better yet, think back to some of the things you had to deal with in your past relationships, and ask yourself which is worse. I don’t know about you, but 100% of the time, I’m only HAPPY to keep waiting for the right person than choosing to be with anybody just to have somebody, even if that means that I feel a little lonely from time to time.
Understand that you aren’t really ready
I heard a wise person once say that “the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.” God promised not to allow us to go without any good thing (Psalm 34:10), so you can believe that He isn’t going to allow your husband/wife to show up until it’s good for you.
Many times we feel loneliness when we become impatient with our single process. We think we’re ready… so why isn’t he/she showing up?! But if we spend 2 minutes taking a mental inventory of some of the issues we need to work through before our next relationship, then some of that patience will come rushing back with the quickness! You may be tired of spending your days and nights alone, but be thankful that you still have time to work on your issues! I would rather take my time preparing for something I want to last a lifetime than rush into it just because I want to have someone to cuddle with. Not a lot of cuddling happens in bad relationships anyway… remember that… *pause for dramatic effect*
Hang out with a dating or married couple
Now you’re probably thinking, “Won’t this make me even more aware of the fact that I’m alone??” That’s a possibility… *shrugs*… but hear me out. Every time I hang out with my best friends who are dating, something usually happens that makes me so grateful for the simplicity of my singleness. There’s usually a disagreement that happens, an uncomfortable discussion that has to take place, or demonstrations of uncomfortable compromise or sacrifice. It pretty much never fails! And as it all goes down, I’m in the background of it all… thanking God that I don’t have to go through it just yet!
But more importantly, I allow myself to learn from those moments. I learn about the work that it takes to be in a healthy relationship and what my personal stance is on certain issues that arise in relationships. I often see how they handle certain situations and think about how I would want to handle that same situation in my own relationship. And a lot of times, these moments help me to clarify the type of relationship I desire and the type of person I want to be in a relationship with.
Now there are 2 very important things to remember when doing this:
1.The relationships you surround yourself with needs to be HEALTHY! If you desire to get married, then don’t choose to “learn” from a couple who is dysfunctional, don’t share the same morals and values as you, or don’t have clear goals that result in marriage.
2.Don’t covet or judge the relationship of your friends. Although there are certain principles that are generally common in healthy relationships, no two relationships are the same and your relationship is not going to be like theirs. Don’t base your own relationship on someone else’s and don’t judge their relationship based on how you want to conduct yours.
Don’t sleep on the Loneliness Trap
My pastor once said, “There are 4 major events that make it super easy for the enemy to manipulate us…H. A. L. T. Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tired. We’ve heard of Drunk Dialing, but have you ever Lonely Dialed someone you had NO real interest in and NO business even talking to?? I have!
Loneliness can have our minds and memories ALL jacked up! It’ll have you thinking back on the only 2.5 good memories that occurred in your last relationship and make you think, “Why did we even break up? We were so happy!” It’ll make you think a Booger Wolf is Prince Charming. It’ll make you think a broke man is economically responsible.
The enemy uses loneliness to tempt, deceive, and manipulate us into becoming desperate and impatient enough to lower our standards and make mistakes that will keep us in cycles, bad habits, and bondage. Don’t fall for it. Make a habit of reaching out to friends and family when you feel lonely. We usually aren’t as alone as we think we are. The enemy can make us feel that way sometimes because he knows that if he can isolate us, then there will be no one there to intercept the ridiculous and dangerous thoughts and actions he is trying to plant in us.
Think about what your loneliness is saying
Can you honestly say that you will be okay even if you never get married? Have you (knowingly or unknowingly) made this a condition to your happiness? A large part of loneliness can stem from being discontent with our lives. We think, when “this” happens I’ll truly be happy. But if you aren’t happy single, then you won’t be happy married. I understand that we are still human and we crave that connection with someone, but the more we rely on that to be happy, the less likely it is to occur.
To be honest, I personally feel convicted when I sulk in loneliness for too long because that essentially says that I believe I’m missing something, that what I have isn’t sufficing. I can’t imagine how that must make God feel. The One who has been there with me this whole entire time? The One who has promised to supply all of my needs and never ever leave me no matter what?
We serve a God who feels; He gets sad, angry, offended, hurt. I can’t bear to think about how heavy- hearted God must feel when our thoughts and actions demonstrate that He isn’t enough. As much as I want an amazing husband to spend my life and start a family with, I will never want a relationship more than I want more of God.
God is a jealous God and he completely ADORES you! But He isn’t going to open the door for your spouse to show up until He can trust that you aren’t going to replace Him by putting your spouse into His place in your life.
I find it very powerful in my lonely moments to reaffirm my thankfulness that God is always with me, that He is everything I need, and that I trust His timing when it comes to my next relationship. As long as God is God, you never have to stay lonely.