Ahh the holidays!! Pumpkin spice, sweet potato pie, sequins, and the aroma of cinnamon pinecones… Yes Gawd.
This is commonly a time of year when many singles feel a heightened sense of loneliness, but ironically, this is also the best time of year to increase your chances of finding “The One.”
Welcome to Holiday Dating 101! By the end of this blog, you’ll never look at being single for the holidays the same again! This might even be your LAST single holiday! GASP! Ok ok, before you get too excited (too late??) let me explain why this is “the mooost wonderful tiiiiime of the yeeeear” to date (Hehe, I’m obsessed with Christmas music.)
Tis the Season for Getting Serious!
During the holidays, people usually spend a lot more time with their families. And if they are single, but pretty much have their lives together, then their family members will, more often than not, inquire on when they will meet a nice girl/guy and settle down. And aging, no-filter grandma might just outright ask when she’s getting grand-babies from you. All of this family time is going plant seeds for thoughts about relationships and marriage. Not to mention, all couples and families look a little cuter during the holidays, so it’s pretty impossible not to visualize what it would be like to have your own cute little holiday family. *insert hearts and bubbles*
People tend to not be as serious about looking for The One during the warmer seasons of spring and summer. That’s when most people shift gears to thoughts about vacation…on beaches…where people are practically naked… and they won’t get in trouble for looking because they’re SIINNGGGLLEE! Whooo! Right?? Yeah, I know.
How to prepare
1. Have 3-5 non-negotiables
Non-negotiables are those things that you are not willing to budge on in your relationship. Challenge yourself not to make these things physical characteristics. Your non-negotiables are so much bigger than having straight teeth and being over 6 feet tall. They’re those things that put an immediate “X” on someone’s forehead. If a person conflicts with any of your non-negotiables then that means that they are automatically not The One for you, so this means that they obviously should carry a lot of weight. Let me give you an example of mine…
My #1 non-negotiable is that my future husband has to have a heart for God. He can’t just believe in God; he has to live, move, breath, and have his being in Him. This is so important to me because this is how I live as well, and the last thing I want to do (again) is enter into a relationship with someone whose love for God doesn’t match my own (this is what “unequally yoked” means). I also know that if my husband is completely submitted to God, then I won’t have to worry about him lying, cheating, ect. I often say, “If you aren’t submitted to God, then I’m not submitting to you.”
2. DTR statement
In addition to having your 3-5 non-negotiables, you also want to have, what I call, a DTR statement. DTR stands for Define The Relationship; a DTR statement is a simple, clear statement that you will use to define what you are looking for in a relationship to quality potentials. You want to do this as early as possible because:
It sets a standard and boundary right from the beginning.
It clears any confusion about expectations.
It saves you and the other person time and energy.
Now it’s ideal for a man to approach a woman and state his intentions with her before even asking her out. I dream of the day that a devastatingly handsome (and respectful) man walks up to me and says…
“Excuse me Miss, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a very beautiful woman and I would love the chance to get to know you better. But you should know that I desire a serious relationship for the purpose of marriage. Would you allow me your information so that I can ask you out sometime?”
SWOON!!!! *presses hand on forehead and faints onto the couch*
BUT for me personally, I’ve found that a lot of guys will instead offer an opportunity to “hang out” if they are interested in me. *rolls eyes* If I find that they may be worth my time, then my response is usually…
“I’m cool with that, but you should know that I am not looking for more friends right now. I’m in a space where I’m looking for a little more than that. So if you’re on the same page, then I would love to get to know you better.”
Now on paper it may sound a little stuffy and serious, but I usually add my spicy personality; you definitely have to make it your own so that it’s easy to ‘own it’. The key is to make your statement well-balanced and natural. You don’t want it to sound rehearsed, but you do want to have something in mind. You want them to know that you are open, yet selective about whom you allow into your life.
Where to meet quality potentials
It is literally possible to meet quality potentials everywhere! We’re all over the place! But this time of year makes it a tad bit easier because of all of the holiday parties!!
Plan to attend every holiday party that you are invited to this season; this is the perfect place to meet quality potentials. If the party host is single, then you’re guaranteed to be met with plenty of single potentials to choose from (or to be chosen from, for the ladies. Awkay!) But keep your antennas up for the parties and gatherings thrown by couples. Most couples still have single friends, and they have the best kind of single friends, because….
9 times out of 10, the single friends of couples are ready to settle down and become a couple too. WHAT?! Yes. Get there!
Also, don’t count out the holiday parties thrown by your church or ministry groups either. If you attend a larger church, then this is the perfect time to get a closer look at the quality potentials that have probably been just a pew away!
If you don’t have many invites for holiday parties coming in, then throw one yourself! Call up your “couple friends” to invite them and the single friends that they know. Partner up with your bestie and collaborate on a party and guest list. But don’t be so busy playing host that you forget to mingle!!
What NOT to do
Do not make your phone number so easy to get. Your number is valuable! It is a direct access point to you; everyone does not deserve to have direct access to you. If you had the combination to a safe that held incredible riches, would you just give that out to everybody?
Heck no! Well you are the safe, and inside of you are incredible riches that can keep an extremely blessed person of your choosing blissfully happy for the rest of their lives. So stop giving out your “combination” so easily.
The idea is to not offer your phone number until you have made your DTR statement and determined that both of you are on the same page and equally interested in each other. And I can probably guess what you’re thinking right now… “How am I supposed to get to know this person if we don’t have each other’s phone numbers?”
Choose your favorite social media and offer that information to them instead. This works even better because you are able to dig a little deeper (do NOT stalk them!) into who they are on a consistent basis. For example, my Instagram page states who I am, what I do, and my website where they can find out even more about me apart from my IG profile. You can tell a lot about how a person behaves and thinks by what they choose to post. This is also a great way to match up who they seemed to be in person to who they portray themselves to be online.
So when a guy asks for my phone number (and I’m actually interested in him), I say something like this…
“I don’t really give my phone number out allot. Do you have an Instagram?”
This is also better for those of us who tend to get a little shy as well. Getting their social media info buys us a little time for getting up the nerve to make our DTR statement. And for those of us who aren’t shy, it still buys us a little time to figure out if we’re really feeling this person or not to see if we want to even bother letting them know what we expect from a relationship.
At the end of the day, cuffing season is what you make it. (I may get that printed on a t-shirt very, very soon.) You can either spend the holidays stress eating because “everybody has somebody but you” or you can spend it increasing your chances of finding a “Purpose Partner.”
So what’s it gonna be??