Updated: Mar 7, 2019
If you follow me on Instagram, then you found out that my new e-book “Forgiving Your Ex” releases this week… Yaayy!! But while I was writing this book, there’s a particular part of it that started to make me very nervous about sharing: one of my “ex horror stories.” This is a story that VERY few people know; not even my family knows the full story.
I thought about removing the entire story from the book, but the Lord spoke to me saying, “Are you really going to let him win?” “Him” being the enemy. It’s the goal of the enemy to silence us because if we are too afraid or ashamed to share our story, then it keeps others from receiving freedom from hearing it.
We know that fear is not a Godly emotion (2 Timothy 1:7) so it’s important to challenge your fears, because if you don’t they will definitely challenge YOU! I wanted to challenge this fear by giving you guys a sneak peek into an excerpt of “Forgiving Your Ex” and sharing this story in this week’s blog. I pray that you are able to see the “why” behind creating this book…
Once upon a time…
there was a girl (yes a “girl”) who was in a 4 year relationship with a boy (yes a “boy”). Although the relationship had its dysfunctions, the girl loved him with all of her heart. But the boy decided to move across the country, and the girl began to realize that it was time to give up on the future she had hoped for them and move on, although she kept in contact with him. He would often talk to her about moving to where he was, but the girl had no desire to move that far away, especially without a major commitment from him. He continued to bring up the subject until finally the girl explained, “That is not a place I would choose to live in. Of course, if I had a ring things would be different.”
The boy replied, “Well how can I give you a ring with us being so far apart?”
They discussed it a bit further and the boy made it clear that he had every intention on building a life with her, but he was not going to do that if she was unwilling to show her loyalty to him.
The girl was relieved to have another chance at the future she believed they could have together and would do anything to prove that to him. She decided to leave her family and the only state she had ever known up to that point and move across the country to be with her new “fiancé.”
A couple of weeks after she arrived, they moved from his small one-bedroom to a bigger apartment. Because of this, she was completely understanding of the fact that the topic of the ring or marriage hadn’t come up. They would have plenty of time to discuss it once they got settled. She was, in fact, loyal to him, so she didn’t mind being a little patient.
After a while of settling in, the girl began to notice some strange things. For instance, all of the boy’s friends that she met approached her as if they had no knowledge of her or their relationship. “If I’m his soon-to-be fiancé,” she thought, “then shouldn’t his friends have some knowledge of who I am already? And why the FLIP are 70% of his friends females?!”
So one night, she mustered up the courage to remind him of the whole reason why she decided to move there.
“Ring??” the boy replied. “Why would I give you a ring when we aren’t even in a relationship??”
The girl paused… for a long time… attempting to contain the storm brewing inside of her. The girl… was about to go to jail… for using 72 different methods to kill a boy. This boy. This BOY!
She gathered herself, just enough, to ask in an eerily calm voice, “If we aren’t in a relationship… and if you didn’t basically propose marriage to me… then why do you think I moved here?”
The boy replied, “You seemed unhappy where you were so I figured that you could crash with me until you got on your feet here.”
The girl had so much running through her mind. Was she crazy? Did she dream this up? Did she misunderstand everything that was said? But suddenly… a final conclusion interrupted all of her mind’s questions:
He’s a coward.
And when he reaped what he had sown, she planned to be long gone. She called her best friend, who hopped a one-way flight to help her pack whatever belongings she could squeeze into her 2003 Chrysler Sebring (on its last leg) and drive the 15 hours back to the only state she’s ever known.
I had been through A LOT with this person. This wasn’t the only horrible thing that happened in our relationship. But I decided that this situation would be the last horrible thing that would ever happen between us again. I’ve always heard that when a person gets tired in relationships, you’ll know. And I was. Tired. I was willing to do whatever it took to make sure this person lost his power to affect me in any way, even if it meant forgiving him and letting the whole thing go.
Not forgiving him meant that I would have to forever carry the burden of hurt, pain, bitterness, resentment, depression, insecurity, and mistrust that developed from everything that happened during our relationship. If I was willing to hold on to all of that, then I might as well just stay in the relationship! No, I had to do whatever it took to let it go, even if that meant not getting to kill him.
In the midst of that painful moment, it seemed completely worth it to spend my life in jail for carrying out the calculated murder strategy that had immediately begun in my mind. But instead, I decided that my life HAD to get BETTER after this. And not because I wanted to get revenge on him through my success, but because those 4 years of my life was filled with confusion, false alarms of true happiness, doubt in myself and God, disappointment, lies, fails and losses, etc. God would have never planned a life like this for me, which could only mean that I planned it for myself; I was equally to blame.
I was tired of being a victim. I was tired of envying the lives and happiness of others. I was tired of constantly revising my future to accommodate someone who was unable and/or unwilling to love me like I deserved. After much time, prayer, and self-reflection, the truth revealed itself: I knew what it meant to fight for love, but I had yet to what discover true, genuine, pure love looked like in a relationship. So I was completely unaware that for all this time, I was fighting for the very thing that was damaging me.
In my mind, my only option was to count my losses, accept my lessons, and push forward to better things even though I felt like I was losing everything in the process. And in many ways, I was: I had no job, no home of my own, no more savings, and no concrete plans to secure my future. My ex was the center of my future and without him, I was starting from scratch.
I remember thinking to myself, on the 15-hour drive back to my home-state,
“I don’t care if I have to live out of this car or even on the street. I will never again make someone else responsible for my future. At least there’s only one way to go from here: up. Now what do I want??”
Clearly, it would take some work to even find the pieces in order to put them together, but I was determined and decided! It had to happen.
Read me loud and clear: You have an INCREDIBLE life to live, love to give, purpose to serve, and blessings to receive!! Don’t allow unforgiveness to interfere with that any longer. And make no mistake about the fact that it is interfering with it.
Some feel that forgiveness is a sign of weakness. But truthfully, a weak person is incapable of forgiveness; it’s an attribute of strength. Forgiving your ex may seem impossible to you right now, but the truth is: Forgiveness is only as simple as you allow it to be, which means it’s possible for everyone.
I hope you enjoyed this peek inside of “Forgiving Your Ex.” It’s my prayer that this book will help others breathe easier knowing that they aren’t alone, that forgiveness is possible, and that their next relationship doesn’t have to be negatively affected by their last one. No matter how horrible your last relationship was, it can be used to actually increase your chances of experiencing the healthy relationships that we all dream of.